A Fine Mess

How much does it hurt?

So far, so good..

Not so many patients lately.. Not so tired at work. My fellow nurses are quite okay. I like some of them but I’m not trying to be close to them whatsoever. I just lying low. Not too close, not too distant.

My relationship with my gf.. well, hmm we’re still together..  She asked me to hold on and I am.. holding on, I mean. I guess we’ll see how long we can both hold on. We’re not like what we used to be.. its sad, but you know, I guess these things do happen.

The biggest problem I’m facing right now is the lack of sleep. I am not usually like this. I used to sleep.. a lot. But now.. I need to take something so I can sleep..which is not a good thing, I know.

I need a good book to ponder upon. Seriously. I love to read but I’m quite picky when it comes to books. You can’t expect me to finish reading one if its not interesting in the first place. I’ll read the first chapter, then if its not interesting, I can’t force myself to finish it.

I’ll go to the mall today and look for another book.. hopefully, I can find a good one today.

nurse-on-duty:

YES!

• I wanted to travel.. with someone I can be myself with. Someone who will allow me to just be me. If I cannot find such a person, then I’d rather travel alone instead.
• I want to have my own car or SUV, I’ll be driving alone sometimes and sing my heart out in there or sometimes I’d just go driving even when I have no specific place to go to. I’d also wanna drive someone to where ever they wanna go. It’d be fun! It’s just so nice thinking about it. Driving. Because you can control a car.. unlike life where you just go where it takes you to.
• I wanna live alone. Claim my independence. I know it will be a disaster but I can only do it when I was forced to…

There’s a lot of things on my mind, you have no idea. I am sad.. so sad. I don’t know why but little things depresses me.

We have this nursing aide in our hospital and her daughter who just passed the nurses licensure exam, probably her only hope for a good future is now in the ICU. It is sad. I feel sorry for them. How can this happen? It’s depressing. Ate, the nursing aide has been good to me when we we’re working together.

Life is sad right now. I don’t like it in my new ward. In fact, I don’t wanna be at any ward anymore. I don’t know what’s happening to me but I feel sad right now. My gf and I celebrated our monthsary today. I was supposed to be happy and I tried to be happy but my mind is somewhere else. I am thinking a lot about how sad life is right now. I am thinking of our life together, my gf and I. She’s moving out tomorrow and it depresses me. But when I think about it, even if she’s here, I feel like she’s somewhere else. Maybe both of us are just preoccupied with things. Maybe. But still, its sad. You have no idea how sad I am right now.

She made me this powerpoint message with pictures and all. Hmm.. it was her anniversary message to me and it was sweet. Very sweet in fact I cried when she first showed it to me. It was love and it was real.

Right now, she can’t even force herself to be sweet again to me. Its very sad. Right now I think it was all a lie. What’s in the message is too good to be true. How could anyone love me like that? NO one can! I was fooled enough to believe that she really loved me. :(

I just got home after my first day at this ward. We had 4 admissions and 1 transfer from the recovery room. You would think that I had fun at work today, but I didn’t. As I rode a jeepney going home, I felt really sad. Depressed even. I am tired. I just don’t want anything anymore. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I am not looking forward to going abroad someday. I’m just tired of everything. I want everything to end. I want my life to end. I am tired.

I’m depressed. I miss my wife so much. I want to hug her tight and when I do, I won’t let go of her. :’( I’m just so sad, I’m sorry.

I’m still not feeling well. I still have this bad cough. Damn I feel so guilty that I was on sick leave yesterday on my first day back at the ward. But what can I do? I’m still sick. :( I dunno if the employee’s physician will give me fit to work certificate tomorrow.

GLEE - DANCE WITH SOMEBODY

I love the part where they sang “to hold me in her arms, I need a woman who takes a chance on a love that burns hot enough to last” ahhh.. Glee continues to amaze me everytime.